Lost at sea.
Where is me?

Come out of childhood
not knowing much.
The waters are turbulent
but I find my way through
the years of life
in my own little boat;
struggling
but doing well
at navigating the past
and putting it to bed.
I even hold down jobs.

But there is fear
and it doesn’t wish
to be known.
So I go on,
'til a vague new sense
of dullness and fatigue
descends,
and life becomes
a chore;
an effort.

But I survive.
Always surviving.

Then through the water,
it’s there…
a 10 metre wave
and my tiny boat is tipped
into a turmoil
of froth
and bubbles
and sand...

Blinding

Choking

Drowning me.

Don’t know which way is up

until,

a spotlight shines
and I am discovered
floundering,
gasping for air,
stripped bare by the
tumultuous sea.

Terrified.

Then it occurs to me...
this is how new universes
and new beginnings are born;
amidst the dissonance
of
chaos
in action.

There are storm clouds in the sky
but as the sun breaks through
a pelican flies over
and seems to smile at me.

We are born into these bodies.
They grow up.
They mature.
They grow old
and then they die.

That is the natural order of things.
The inevitable.
The unavoidable.
No matter what.

But our culture
conditions us
daily,
to fight the natural order;
to go against the flow…

buy botox and face lifts
and lipo and collagen
and tummy tucks and implants
and skin scraping
and augmentations…

Chase youth.
Chase it...
to exhaustion...
‘til your spirit
is bankrupt,
or you die.

Which ever
happens
first.

No one mourns
that beautiful,
spent energy
that might have created
beautiful art,
a magnificent garden,
or raised a happy child.

We’re all being fooled.

Every day.

So no one knows
that
for this body
to grow old and die
really is
actually
okay...

and
nothing
to
fear.

(observations of a carer)

Those who keep their minds
as they age
become the truly brave among us.

They know death is near.

They watch helplessly
as their bodies break down,
stoically keeping doctors appointments.

They come to accept their lot,
admittedly some more than others,
and quietly continue on
towards
the inevitable
end
of suffering.

Sitting in this nursing home hole
a nurse is singing golden oldies
through a karaoke machine
while Betty - old lady,
visits a husband
who doesn’t
remember her.

His brain is possessed
by Alzheimer’s.
Heartbreaking, I say as I drive her to him.
Yes, but you’ve got to live with it
because you can’t change it,
she says.

The nurse sings on valiantly
to an audience of
bib wearing,
comatose elders,
who can only slouch and stare.

64 years of marriage,
and now
she must travel
across the suburbs
to spend time
with the stranger she knows.

She’s right!
You must accept
what cannot be changed.

Despite the heartache.

Nevertheless,
my eyes brim
for the agony
of that
which cannot be changed.

This is a picture of Camron Dale. He was my boyfriend for a time and a close friend for the rest. He was beautiful inside and out. He was troubled too. He wasn't perfect, but he was worth knowing. He was a painter and etcher, a musician and a poet; an uncle and brother; lover, son and friend. He was Buddhist for a while too. He wanted to live.
Cam was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at the age of 28. I met and fell in love with him when he was 30 and already in a wheel chair.

While he was in the nursing home I told him I wanted to blog about him, and would that be ok. He really loved the idea but I didn't get to it before he passed. He turned 34 on the 20th of September, '06. He died last November, the 10th. So although somewhat posthumously, now is the time to introduce the world to Camron Dale. He wanted you to know him.
I'll do that by posting the eulogy I read at his funeral. It's my story.

(Stunning self portrait by Cam.)

Eulogy to Cam:
I met Camron about 4 years ago.
My first meeting with him was the closest I have come to the experience of love at first sight. The attraction was mutual. By the end of my second shift as his carer he asked if he could kiss me. I was utterly torn between my professional integrity and my overwhelming desire to be with him. It took a few hours before I let him, and my heart, talk me round…and we kissed.

But the dilemma didn’t end there. I was totally freaked out by his wheel chair for a while. It was really scary, becoming involved with someone with Camron's compromised health and it challenged me enormously…but my heart turned out to be stronger than my fear, and we endured.

It was the beginning of a relationship and friendship of extraordinary beauty.

After about a year we separated as a couple. We hadn’t stopped caring for each other, it just couldn’t work for various reasons. And after a short period of struggle, we found our way to friendship.
We became even closer, and I remain forever grateful to Camron for accepting me as his friend. Its not an easy transition to make after you’ve been involved with someone.

But Camron had real courage which was exemplified by the fact that he saw this illness through to its end…rather than taking the suicide option which he had certainly considered.
That took such courage…not knowing what lay ahead or how bad things could get. He went head first into the great unknown of life with M.S, and despite the cruelty of the disease, he maintained his good humour and his generosity of spirit, throughout.

He remained pretty demanding too. You really couldn’t do enough for Cam. And he didn’t hesitate to ask, and ask, and ask. The nurses said, quite seriously, that he taught them patience and tolerance…we knew what they meant.
And in those learning’s of patience and tolerance, I think he germinated seeds for the more profound teachings of unconditional love.

Cam, you were a great teacher to me, simply by being yourself, and I consider your presence in my life a gift.

“Always connected by our hearts”.

I love you.

I made love with you
outside tonight.

The grass was soft
beneath our skin.

The night air caused
luscious, goosy shivers
heightening our senses.

The possums cussed through trees
and across fences
providing us with a privacy
of distraction.

When I looked into your face
you were surrounded by stars
and the Milky Way…

Natures twinkling eyes
watching
without embarrassment
while we made love outside.